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- Group dating is common until two people in the group establish that they want to get serious.
- Declaring your love isn't jumping the gun — it's establishing that you're serious about starting a relationship.
- Professional matchmaking is making a comeback among busy Japanese people who don't have time for dating.
- If you're a non-Japanese person who is dating a Japanese person, don't assume that everything is a cultural difference. Some things are personality quirks, not cultural ones.
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Let's face it: Dating is hard everywhere. Everyone who has ever dated anyone has their own tales of woe just the cultural differences that vary from place to place. If you have a mixed-culture group of friends where you live, you may already have witnessed the tip of this particular iceberg.
This is by no means a comprehensive guide, but here are some of the things you might experience on the dating scene in Japan.
It's not uncommon in America to do things as a group of friends. Maybe you'll go see a movie, grab a bite to eat, go to a party — the potential list is endless. But most Americans go on a date in pairs rather than groups.
In Japan, group dating — or goukon — commonly happens first. It's a way to gauge mutual interest and suitability, as well as mix with a potential partner's friends.
You might think that this sounds low-pressure compared with American dating customs. But there's still plenty to stress about.
'Lots of young people don't really date because it can be expensive (for guys) and stressful — the women I know always worried so much about what kind of outfit to wear because it would affect the 'type' their date assumed them to be. Everything has a label here- there are so many different 'types' of men and women, girls and boys,' Beth Daniels — an American who has lived and worked in Japan for several years — told INSIDER.
The practice of kokuhaku (confession of love and/or interest) often starts the Japanese dating process. This makes things simpler in a lot of ways according to Yumi Nakata of GaijinPot. Nakata was born and raised in Japan, and then moved to the US for school.
According to Nakata, with kokuhaku, you're not left wondering if someone is interested in you as a love prospect. Both men and women can be the first one to make a move, and you'll get an answer about whether your would-be object of affection is interested in you very quickly.
Public displays of affection may be common in the US, but not in Japan
'On my first date with my 'ex' we obviously clicked so I expected at least a little kiss at the station before we went our separate ways, but all I got was a stiff hug,' Jen McIntosh, an American studying in Japan, told The Japan Times.
'I analyzed it to death and a friend who had been in a relationship with a Japanese man for three years told me that I was lucky to get a hug in a public place. I wasn't expecting to make out in front of everyone, but I did get irritated when he would never hold my hand or touch my knee on the train.'
Dating partners' ways of expressing emotions can differ significantly
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'Ways in which feelings, and love in particular, are expressed can lead to frustration. [Westerners] expect more direct verbal expression and physical contact, whereas the Japanese partner may not feel comfortable with this kind of expression. Nonverbal communication, subtle signs are highly valued in Japan and if they are not noticed by the Western partner, frustration and resentment follow,' Tokyo-based psychotherapist Dr. Ana Maloyan-Kishida told The Japan Times.
'Traditional matchmaking (omiai) is still around, and according to some people is making a comeback because nobody has enough free time to waste it on happenstance meetings, as it were. It takes a long time to get to know someone. The appeal of the traditional matchmaker is that everyone is vetted by a pro, their priorities and stats have been compared to yours and deemed acceptable as a possible good fit,' Daniels told INSIDER.
Routines are comforting and useful to all of us, especially when we're very busy. But they also make your chances of meeting someone new more difficult. Even if you live in a big city and don't drive, you might still catch the same bus every day, or walk to the same train stop and see the same people with little to no variation.
'The main problem everyone agrees on is that it's really, really hard to meet new people organically. Japanese society itself kind of prevents it, because everyone sticks to their little groups- work, hobbies, family, classmates. If you wanna to meet new people you have to change your workplace, or take up a new pursuit, like yoga classes or a team sport,' Daniels told INSIDER.
When you don't have a lot of time to spend on dating, you want a sure thing before you jump in. So while online dating sites are available, they aren't necessarily anyone's first choice.
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'Lots of people use dating sites, but don't like the uncertainty plus the timesuck,' Daniels told INSIDER.
But sometimes what you may think is a cultural difference just comes down to a personality quirk
'What may be an individual struggle with closeness or a deeply seated fear of intimacy may be interpreted as a cultural phenomenon. I have seen people who have tolerated bizarre behavior in their partner, justifying it as cultural difference. Only later on, have they become aware that this was pathological behavior, even within the cultural context,' Dr. Maloyan-Kishida told The Japan Times.
Mami Suzuki — a Japanese woman who dated and eventually married a Canadian man — agrees.
'Long before meeting him I had learned from movies and television that Western people aren't shy about kissing in public, but I didn't know that they also wouldn't mind farting in public. I don't know. It may only be my husband. Yeah, it probably is,' Suzuki wrote for Tofugu.
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